I don't wanna mess up with him........

I've given up on a few people so I could make myself totally up for Josh. And I feel like I'm going to fuck it all up just by....maybe...being boring or worth the time.....
I really like this guy and I actually feel like this could be love....Since my first love didn't work out, maybe this could be my 2nd chance to make myself happy. I just don't feel like I know how...
Is this gonna be a problem for us?
Even he isn't by my side every second of every day, he still makes me smile and laugh. He texts me all day and tells me whats on his mind.
He falls asleep on the phone with me and uses his phone til it completely dies because that's how much he loves talking to me.
We haven't fought yet, we may joke and disagree....He has a bit of a temper but doesn't everyone when someone pushes the wrong gear??
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What's the kind of changes should I make, to make it more......of a "fun" relationship...So it doesn't lose that spark that breaks most people apart??
Can anyone in this world help me?!?!?!?

Mind so clear yet feeling so cluttered ;-;

Sometimes it feels like I'm in a dream when I'm listening to the problems of other. They never seem so horrible once I try and think about what they would do if those people could try and take a walk in my skin. Embrace the so called love that this family circulates....The biggest problem right now is.....I don't feel like there is anything wrong anymore...
My mind isn't crowded like some wifi hot spot in the desert......
I just don't understand how I could drop someone that I loved with all my heart could possibly clear my head. 
Maybe I just wasn't ready for it....Did I rush?! Did i not think about it, and get reeled in....with all the sweet talking and sayings?!
How could I of left my barrier and have someone that ended up loving me enter and not even hearing my warning of my horrible past of future planning scares me......
Why doesn't anyone listen to me?! 
I know myself better than anyone in this world. I want to be normal. 
Not having to blog my problems out and every time someone likes me and hears that I'm blogging, they want to read it....what could i possibly be saying that they need to know?!? 
Can this world just show me up and let me be alone forever?!?!?!
Please, oh please, I just feel like giving up on so much in this life. I don't wanna be remembered and be lied about anymore. Being constantly known as the ex-girlfriend that they ended up sleeping with and now they don't give a shit because I was just another piece of ass! God, if you truly are real..........KILL ME NOW!!!! 

I just hate how this horrible world has never in a million year worked in anyone's favor! I just want to be normal...And even though my therapist is helping me get closer to that, I don't every thing I'll come close to it...Not even this god every living Christian speaks of, can help this worthless life of mine! I'm more work than I'm even worth.....I don't know how to even enter how miserable I am...My mother is always busy, with her Collage and then her full-time work. How can I compete with the nature of trying to survive in this messed up economy?! I want to have my childhood that I was never able to experience, and now that it has gone by, my young adult hood is heading down the same path and I don't like it! My step father was the only person I didn't like when I was younger. I never really liked the thought of him being in my life, and he was never my favorite person to see. Maybe last year I finally got to like being around him and we finally, in my life span, got along and found out that we had stuff in common....It was so perfect...My uncle, Jake, He's a steaming alcoholic...he never knows when to be quiet or just leave some people alone...I just don't know what to do anymore...I don't even have friends anymore, I shut everyone out, I break up with people for no reason at all. I just don't want this life anymore.........People care about me, and i can never return the favor...I'm so sorry...

What i ment wasnt thia at all.....not at all

Interpreted wrongly and then our relationship fell the the flames of hell. I didn't want this to end. I wanted reassuring feelings. Thought he would show me the feelings were still there even though we didn't talk during the week. I hate being alone. Sleeping alone. The thought of him being in my bed with me makes me wanna cry. I guess I really do still love him with all my heart. But its over now.....if there's a god....please help me....I'm so sorry baby.

Is it possible to just.....stop?

Could it be? Could the day the world has dreaded come and smacked me in the face? Has the feelings seized to grow and flown in a totally different direction?! Am I seeing this black and white print right or has these eyes of mine gone blind to the way it used to be?
Oh shit...
Oh good god that people believe in since the world had suddenly began because they needed so desperately to blame all their problems on....oh shit.....
I think its true. This feeling inside. The world has suddenly come crashing down and kicked me in the stomach....I don't see him as a lover, love maker or boyfriend....I see him as a best friend. How can i tell him? How would he take it? How will I take this? Oh shit.....</3

Does the world always stop?

<33 i dont know what to say ..

For half the night I was worried....I hated the thought of not seeing your face on my computer screen....or that voice ring inside my head. I smile no matter what. I blush at everything....my mind just wants to think of you all day....and my heart only beats for you....I want this feeling to last forever. I want US to last forever. For nothing in this world to come to a stand still. Pause. Stop. Discontinue. Or even mute! <3 I don't know what else to say...other than......will you PLEASE be my forever? With this one single word......"happiness" everything just ran into place.....it started with a call that turned something like stone into a dimand that shines so bright. No secrets. Even if there are, it makes us wonder what else could make this relationship fly? I love the fact that everyday I learn something new about him.  The cyber smiles and blushes and kisses... no matter what.....I'm always here...for him....and anything more.<3

Could it be??

Maybe this whole time i was looking for the most perfect guy. Surface appearence....i guess i didnt care much about happiness just the thought of being with someone....But now, that ive found someone and we are taking it slow that he actually means alot ot me....He's like one of those prince charmings that only come out when a princess is in distress.....To show her that everything WILL and CAN be okay....That the world isnt so bad. The world wont distroy her everytime she lets her guard down to the wrong person.....To show that looks arent the only thing that a prince charming can give. The charm that makes her smile. His laugh that can fill her heart with happiness. The small stuff that makes her cry with tears of happiness......I never thought that long distance could work but when you actually have someone that is looking for what you are looking for and they can be faithful unlike some of the falsely adverticed. Doesnt matter if a christian is looking or their gods over look. There is no such thing as god......Some people just need something to believe in...and with me i guess it's love && happiness........

How could you??

It was August 4th, 2011. You took my innocence and I never got a "sorry" or "I love you" I got a 3 week supply of false love and cheating. Didn't you ever wonder how it would effect me? Never looked back to see if I could handle the shit you through on me. Or the love I once had for you. You never did love me. I was just another piece of ass that you never bragged about. I cried and couldn't get over you until a over a year later and I was stupid enough to think you would think of me on the day you stole my virginity. And as I stand today you will be my first love but my first and last. I don't wanna fall so hard and fast again and lose something that ment so much to me. I gave it away so fast without thinking about how much it ment to me. I was scared, more like terrified, of being In love. You sweet talked me and told me it would be making love for the first time and still to this day I won't ever say it was a regret. Because deep down in my heart I feel it was a new beginning for me. And one day you'll realize that I ment so much to you.....you'll wonder what I did with my life. Why you ever said such hurtful things and made my life a living hell with all your insults and criticism. </3 I loved you Gage. It was a stupid thing to do..... *-*

Can we all just pick up and continue on?

Sometimes, when I think about how my life could and sometimes should have ended up like, I like to try and make it into that. Confusing is what my life is and it just seems to get worse. I pick up a book and it engulfs me. This character in my book has to deal with her schizophrenic mother who is an artist. Her grandmother hired her not knowing she is a relative. And her best friend is a single teen mother who cant relate and isn't very understanding to how hard it is to take care of her mother. Through out the book it gives you knowledge about schizophrenics........I get so into this book that i feel like i am living her life. I feel like i have to go home and keep my mother from bashing holes in the walls because she is in the middle of an episode and she thinks that the walls are screaming at her to set them free! I think it would sadly be a better life then the shit hole I'm living right now. My real father doesn't talk to me since we've known each other for almost 2 years now. He left when my mother was only 2 months into her pregnancy.........I didn't even get the satisfaction to know my father cared enough to see me the day i was born....December ninth, 1996......The day that changed every ones life because i ended up being the wrong sex and i know deep down inside my mother cried. She tells me she wasnt sad that i turned out to be the opposite gender but i know she would have liked it better if i was a guy. I'm sure everything would have been a lot better off if i was a guy. My father Wess only called to see what gender i was. he didnt care if i had almost killed my mother and myself during her intense hours of labor. he didnt even bother to send cards for birthdays or show his face....My aunt had to send him photos of me. But even though my past is rotten my future is as crisp as a fresh cut apple. Sweet to the tongue and just a bit of sour as it goes down the throat.

Happiness is happiness...

I shouldn't be trying to stop them. To be his other choice. To show him that I could give him so much more, even though I can. He'll have to find this out on his own. I can't be prying love, happiness, or even soul mates apart. No matter how much I like him. No matter if its even love. I've been there, done that. I've loved once and now he's around to mock me. To show that he barely cares. Along with the other one. What's another 10 pounds, so to say....? Its nothing more than I burden that I'm carrying around to show how much shit I've been through. The world isn't my kingdom, nor my Paradise. Its more of a jail cell. That serves cold food and bitter sadness. Not like being with a guy that treats me like his everything when another woman is happy to be with him. But the real problem is, what if I give up now and we were ment to be? Do I just keep this going with a guy I'm starting to fall for or give up on what may be ment to be???? If there really is a God can you make me make the best and non-painful decision?! I don't wanna cry myself to sleep anymore but I don't want to be the reason another human being does. I know I hurt myself to keep other safe but my heart has been through too much. And if this goes horribly wrong, I don't know how much I can take.....maybe this is the end....maybe I'm at the dead end of my life. To where I've lost everything worth living for....so many "what if"s......give me the right choice and I promise to believe in you.....until then, you'll be another thing I don't believe is in the cold hearted world. </3

Is it wrong? X.x

Is it wrong that I don't want to love? To be in a relationship? To care about anything but myself for once? To be happy? To be able to laugh...truely laugh? Maybe I just want to live. Not be held back or tied to just one person! C: I feel so free and happy and careless?! :3 I wanna love myself for once!!!

Like a tear in the rain.

I got you and I was happy. Till a few days later when i realized I didn't care.... I didn't want a partner. A lover of one kind. Someone to have sex with but without any feelings....Somethings changed, become different. My mind is different now. I don't want a man. I don't wanna be stuck to one body that I may not even care about the next night. He got to me and I know why....thank you <3

Somebody, Anyone...Kiss it all better?!

I cry "stay with me till i fall asleep. Stay with meeee! Stay with me till i fall asleep! TILL I FALL ASLEEP!!!"


Just now realizing that I have been used by so many guys that claim to be so into me for how gorgeous and smart and sweet I am........I feel like I should block every guy off but the ones I would kill to be with dont want me.....
"Do you hear that love? their playing our song!"

I want to take back all of my past and cut out all the heart break and tears I've cried over the boys that have fucked me over. I can't believe I let them get to me and make me so happy for such a short time and be so romantic in the simple act of trying to sleep with me...... I can't believe I gave in so easy! What the hell is wrong with me.?! I feel like there is a stitch in me for every guy that fucked me over....

I've went back to the same guy.....Because of my unwillingly love for him tells me it'll all be different. But everytime it's the same! He sweet talks me till he gets what he wants. Slipping the word "love" at the end of everything, seeing if it enhances his chances...and I fall for it every time! I've been in love with you since 7th grade and I'm a sophmore now in highschool and the word love still kills me when I hear it and say it back to you... >.< I want to give up and tell you to shut the fuck up. To stop lieing to me and be with me. You said you wanted to give me "stability" like no one else has succeeded at...But you have a girlfriend and she's all over you...and the one guy I really liked and wanted to stay with for awhile left because of a deep love burning at his heart for another girl....
I wanna cut so hard that the blood doesnt stop coming but the blade isnt enough of a rush for me. The destraction only lasts a few minutes then its back to being alone...... Take a blade to my throat?! I promise I wont tell you to stop!

I can hear yelling from the room farthest from me...Surprised nothing is being thrown....Scared yet calm at the same time I try and drown out the sound with the joyous music I shape my mind around..... It's werid, like nothing before. Nine years and it hasn't seemed this bad. A few weeks ago, acusations were made from one that was so far away. Scared she wasnt being faithful, not entirely over dramatic, but not entirely thought through. After nine and a half years have gone by and no problems have surfaced except the one about alcoholism. But that's nothing too big. We've been battling this for a few years now...Telling you how much it rips us apart and how much we hate seeing you sleep face first in a puddle of your own vomit...Nothing too big as to what it could be. As a child among two others. Idea's of abuse could form in a childs head. Hitting was involved but not in a dont-care-it-is-for-fun kind of way. more like a...."punishment".....someone does something bad and as a result you tell them no and give them a little tap and send them on their way. Growing up I realized that's all it was....Just a tap to show right from wrong....But as I was growing up I realized just like mama that your problem with beverages that mess up your brain along with your liver can cause more than just a one night of awkwardness and horrible memories..... I just hope one night you realize what its done to you and us and you'll never get these times back.......</3

Worst mistake you'll ever make!

I think sometimes that I hold on too tight and never want to  let go because people who don't mean alot capture the most of me. I was an ass to you and your pushing away. Then I try and not talk to you or agknowledge your being and you think im mad at you... You showed me how stupid I am about you. How I shouldn't be hung up on a freshmen that doesn't care about me or want me. It's obvious I was just too lonely to acknowledge that you aren't what I'm looking for. You say you can't do a relationship but what you're really saying is that you don't want one with me. As much as I wanted us to work you tried not to hurt me with the harsh truth.... Well, it's settled in and I promise the mistake of you wanting me will never fall into place and you can coninue with whatever you have going on. As much as I wanted that something to be me, I can live without you. I lived before I met you and i can live again without you.

Cut off your hands!

"You think I've had enough?"

Haha, you're terribly wrong (:  There isn't anything in this world that can make me quit something that I love so much...Even if it means that you can't be happy. I told you the truth about how I actually did feel. And you were pleading that you cared and loved and couldn't live without me! If you can't live without me. then WHY AREN'T YOU DEAD YET?! I'd like to see you try and be with me again.....The future holds nothing of us. No sign of us being "in love".....There's no way that we will ever be.

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Then, comes along sweet and "newly remade" Jeffrey Hubbard.  ha! I sailed that ship once before and you broke my heart and didnt even stumble over it. Never looked back one time to see if I was fine with all the damage I was thrown against! I took another trip with that boy, and as I thought, you never changed.... I don't care what you say, every guy has tried that card on me....."Oh,that was forever ago. I've changed, I promise".... We went on a date and as I suspected....You tried, just like all the rest, yet failed to get into my pants.... As I pushed away I knew it was a good choice. For once I knew I was doing the right thing. I thought about my mom, my step father's trust and all the shit I have been through with guys and how much I let them use me then throw me away...And this time I chose not to let it happen. I chose to say no, and not let you get to me because I wanted to make you happy.......I'm more independent now than i have ever been <3 Thank you Womanhood!!

Pass this on as my Epilogue.

I don't really seem to care about loving or being oved. Seems like every guy I can or do get is either suicidal, or wants to hang all over me. I don't mind it, I just don't like the thought of talking to a guy for the whole day then every twenty minutes get a text that says "what you wanna talk about?".......Grinds my bones to hear those retarded words. And then you wonder why I stop texting you. If I don't talk or message back...It's because I want to relax an not have someone up my ass. It's like I'm better off alone yet I have that feeling lie I have nobody to be loved by. nobody to tell me they love me before I fall asleep. Just to wake up as I fell asleep. I just want someone to care. To worry some about me. About my future.
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I think i'm also starting to hate my own mother. My own sweet melody to my unhappy life.
I think it's melody is falling off key. And hitting all the wrong notes, just to push me away.....Just to show me it's not the same anymore... I can tell her I love her more than anything but after awhile it's like ive gotten used to using the words to make her happy that I don't even feel them anymore. Hearing her saying it to me is like a tape stuck on repeat. I know she's gonna say it but I know it's but a line that crawls out of her mouth....flipping off her tongue as she doesn't even think it say it....
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Could I possibly get to the point where love's rays of sunshine don't even get to my heart. I feel like the titanic.....Sunless ocean area....I can float in the essence of what used to be, but no matter what......That's all I'm gonna be......It hurts....</3

DAMAGE!

Get away, get away, get away from me! You'll never amount to SHIT!
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I want to throw it all away. Get the hell out of here and leave forever. Forgetting about what was and what could have been. You and your words....The feelings that vibrated between us. I'll never forget. Sad thing is, It's been over a year and I've just now gotten over the guy that took my virginity and left me to collect my shit all alone. The happiness of my life had left me completely that day. Slipped away and has never come back....
Until....but, I wont get into that, I'm only going to kill myself more inside with talking about him.
But, I can't help it. Words that were so casually thrown around circle inside my head like a bird with a broken wing. Only able to go in one direction which leads it to continue in a circle!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I've only just realized that I cut myself because of you. It hurts but every time I suck up the pain and push it  little harder. Slicing a little slower. Savoring the pain so maybe I'll never forget the pain I'm putting myself through because of you. Can this get anymore sadistic?!
I want you to see how much i'm putting myself through but I see that you don't even give it any thought.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Can you even show the pain you feel to know that I'm cutting over you?!
The pain that shoots through your veins when I stand there, desperate and lonely.?!
You couldn't even try and make it work! You gave up! on me! Do you think i'm so alike with other girls that
you can't even give me a try?! a chance?! To prove that I can become so much!
</3 I'm gonna give up.Don't be surprised at how little I feel towards what I say to you...Because you're making me this way.....Awful and dispiteful....This is me for you.......


~Cut off your hands, there's no escaping!~

bliss when I die...

Could this life be anymore cruel? What just so happen to be the best night of my young high school life, ended so fast and vigirously...Sometimes, I wish I could give up forever. I guess it gets harder to find someone to who actually wants a lasting relationsip the higher I get up in the grades..... High school is supposed to be fun, and like a dream as it passes by in the speed of the streaming hours of the night. I wish, not heartlessly, I could give all of the memories, words, items, love backa nd forget about all this. What I was wishing to become, only turned to blow up in my face. I may seem happy to you but the truth is, I can't stand the thought of reading our texts before the message you sent to show it wasn't going to last. Only several hours before that you said we were together.... I was happy, and now i'm crushed and brused and the happiness and friskiness between us has crashed and burned...Since that first kiss the morning you proved how beautiful you claim I am......
Don't forget...you said...."I love you".....
</3

Step back...

Step back into the past, erase what has happened. Take back the feelings, along with the love. Like a record thats been scratched, i'll keep feeling the sting, the indent. the cut. Reliving the nightmare I just got myself into.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Things for me never last long. I always end up waking up from a great dream. Dreams never work in my favor anymore. Seems so good and true til the light shines in and ruins it all. The minds of humans always keep ourselfs for pure happiness.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I feel like the thought of blood would help but should I give the devil that sadifaction of getting to me?
Let my depression take over my mind and win?
Scar myself over such a repeat in history?
My past is never going to let go, it feels like a leech....I can't shake it off.
The world to be going in my favor but it pulled it away as soon as I tried to grab for it....
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Who wouldn't let you scream "ohh" into a soft pillow?

Y at-il une limite à ce que le bonheur ne peut entrer en durée de vie sont-elles?
Une période de temps jusqu'à ce qu'il a à la fin?
Un moment où tout doit être parfait pour quelque chose d'aussi parfait pour se produire?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Je T`aime <3
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Je ne veux jamais perdre Kamden. Il est tellement parfait pour moi, et je l'aime vraiment. Nous sommes tellement bien ensemble et je veux durer pendant un certain temps avec lui. Il est tellement important pour moi et il me fait rougir et que vous voulez être avec lui tout le temps. Je veux aimer de lui tout le temps. Wish I could.
C'est comme si je me sens quand im invincable avec lui. Je ne pouvais prendre sur le monde et ne jamais s'arrêter. Comme im au-dessus d'une bouche et je suis maintenant peur de sauter en bas. <3

I'm stuck home, alone, except for the barely breathing over sized Sasquatch a few rooms down.
My mother left with her friends, repeatedly asking if I was fine being home alone, as she dresses up and leaves to go to a club. I don't have a warm body against mine that could give any love to me. Kiss me and tell me the night wont be here forever. His essence leaving as the sun rises above the hills off in the distance.
We finally DTR'd and it feels great to know, that I finally have someone that I know isn't gonna lie, put me down or use me for what i was cursed with since my 8th grade year.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 Joking has never felt like such a bonding time till I met a gaze with his.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I always believed in love-at-first-sight and now that its finally happened to me, I feels soooo real and magical! I smile constinantly and think about how this all happened......
<3

The Sky Under The Sea

Like rope in the mud. Like blades in the blood. Like Teeth in the skin.. And Bodies in the ground.
I feel like I've never felt before. Wanted and Loves and not that feeling that lingers in the beginning of a relationship that you pray and pray and pray that it wont end and in a month it does. I don't feel it. It doesnt possess me anymore. Like it left when I left Brian alone....He always kept me from being with anyone for long. Tempting me with the thought of being loved my him, but only feel that "love" for a few hours then no call or interaction for god-who-knows-how-long! Like a weight has been taken off my back, just in time for someone to help me straighten my life up <3 It's like I've been waiting for so long and he wasnt that far behind.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I feel like I'm gonna be that girl that gets annoying or too-close and suffocate him.
I keep my distance and let the love flow.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When our lips touch, I feel something, deep inside me. Like wings of a butterfly...flittering up me..and when we tear apart its like i was dreaming it all and I can't wait to feel it again and again and again....Like an addiction to a drug...and he's what I'm taking. What i'm taking, what I'm getting high off of.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I want to wait and see how this will progress. See how fate takes us. I sound like I'm getting carried away with myself but this time, this time right here and now, I want it to last and blossem, Like a spring flower in the early minutes of the morning <3 <3 <3
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If pain is beauty, then i must be GORGEOUS!

This may be the best night of my life! (: Even though I know he's gonna be reading this. I don't think he understands that just because I'm older I don't have good moments. Most the time, i'm used and abused and then left for the dead. It's been like that for awhile, I've gotten so used to the way that people treat me that now that he says something, I do deserve better <3 He sound protective but gives personal space at the same time. It's like a dream-come-true that I am still dreaming about and this time I can take control of it!
It's crazy how such simple of actions can drive me toward happiness.
Emily Dickenson once said: to find happiness you have to go through pain.
The pain of seeing the guy i was in love with for 4 years become one with a different girl, I let go and it hurt so much. But since I let go, I found happiness in someone elses eyes. <3
Crazy right, but i've been through enough shit to not find happiness now.
All the using and tears. then cutting and bleeding. hiding and dying... It was all worth this day, night, moment, year, life
<3 Maybe pain and sadness isnt as bad as it seems to be.
Love me if you feel it.
Cry for me if the tears come.
Die for me if the blade digs too dead.
Smile for me when you feel me in your body <3

I don't even know right now...

Like I have no idea about today. Other than the feeling I got when Chris chased me down the hallway and kissed me on the cheek... Normally, I'd go crazy. But today, all I did was blush. Not like i-think-im-in-love kind of blush, but a that-was-super-sweet kind of blush..... Sometime's I don't even know what to think half the time. Like my mind is racing, but I have no idea what i'm thinking about. Maybe it's time for another three hours walk to town and think about how much this life isn't gonna change just because I let go of some people and found a new guy....Not 'guy' as in dating but friend.. Like close friend <3
One that's easy to talk to and joke around with :)
But, It's easy to type than talk.... :/

Is it even physically possible?!

Could it be? Can it be true with all the time I've had to talk and think about such a wonder I'm just now getting the thoughts that this could be true? Can I actually make someone fall in love with me? My not-so-secretive-lifestyle. Where everyone knows everything and everyone in my love or non-love life? Is it actually a possibility to become that?
When it first became a possibility it was the beginning for school. pretty much anything is possible because nobody know anybody. Strangers surround you as you try and find your place. Especially as a freshmen like he, it can get pretty rough. I wish I could go back and rewind the past to take back the kiss and me ever liking you, so I wouldn't feel the pain of a thousand bullets slice through me as I continually see and and realize that I'll most likely never have anything to do with you because you're being held back with the thought of your ex girlfriend and not wanting a relationship.
Does this shit always have to happen to me?! *tear*
Now, even though I play the try-and-get-me-if-you-can game you don't seem very interested in what I have to offer. I gave up on the guy I was in love with for 4 years so I could try and move on and now that I have I get hung up on a freshmen who doesnt even want me. Wow, this feels familiar but without the "older dude" part. You're only 14 and I'm about to turn 16. You pointed that out to be a problem but I don't see my uncle having a problem with younger girls.
What, I'm trying to understand is wether you are just leading me on or want something with me, but not right now..... I wish I knew...

Stop repeating!

Like a song stuck on repeat! Ugh! Just shut your mouth about what had happened and what would have been already! I get so tired of your "it was your idea" or "you said this" and "you said that" bullshit....
Lets get all the facts right...right now I loved you, yes, but now that all this is over with, I do not love you anymore. We fell in love. You lied a few times and I didn't open up. I was scared to get too close because of the last time I did, I got hurt so bad and I hated it because I couldn't let go for months. The first time we were together alone we did the unexpected. I got tested once and it came out + and i was freaking out. I'm only 15... about to turn 16 and a big future infront of me. I didnt need that to crowd my mind of responsibility! As the only 'turn' I parted my way and you wouldn't let go. Making it harder for me to breathe.... And now you still are a raging man whore who lies about everything and sleeps with girls to try and make them stay with you... The END!

Can we create something beautiful and distroy it?

I feel like you keep getting farther and farther away. Like a lost balloon whose tiny baby like hands slipped from. Floating higher and higher from my grip. I really like you. I think I can make you change your mind. I think I can change your view on me. Your wants in life and needs and perspective..... "Who said loves not for taking chances?" I don't have much to say on this part of my life, for I cannot change this cramped corner I've shoved myself in. It's so hard to get out. To say "I'm done" or "Good luck"......Just stand up and leave.
But life doesn't work like that. Can't just leave those who are so much like you. After awhile I'll get over the pain and things will be like they were before this unneeded and undesired want for you. Maybe, It wont leave and I'll go about my days wondering why I never tried harder to get you. Or try and show you that I can be so much better. <3

I don't know what it is.......

I just don't know why I like you....I dropped everyone and now that I have you near its like I have to have you know. Ever since you kissed me the other day and it felt like there was something there... I keeps bugging me since that day at lunch... Standing in the hall as the bell rang and you went down and I stretched up and your lips met. You said you expected a peck on the lips and I was expecting the same but as our lips met it was like something exploded inside of us and we began to kiss more and I felt it. Please don't lie and say you didn't feel it to. I just wish you would be with me. There is real potential there and I'm not like other girls. I don't screw guys over, cheat or love when I don't believe I feel it. I don't lead people on or break hearts.....That's probably whats wrong with me, One thing comes up and I'm the one to get hurt. Crying when it ends and wishing it hadn't ended for months. Grieving in my love sick heart, lonely and depressed. You're just so perfect for me. Random just like me, long hair just like i love, tall just like i love it, funny and never get boring Ora that vibes onto me every second your around me. I just don't know how to tell you that because the world isn't always going to go my way and I hate that sometimes because some day, soon if we got the chance to be together, we would fall madly for each other and last for awhile. I want something special for once. Not being used for the body I've been cursed with as the non existent god has punished me. You're just so perfect for me and i cant get over it but you have to be strung up on your ex girlfriend......If she was that special then you shouldn't have let her go. I want you but I guess i don't deserve your existence in my arms, life, world.....Can this week get any worse.......Nothing matters when your in a relationship, all the worries of the world can disappear as long as you know you're safe with one another......I wish I had a chance....
~Kristy <3 Phillips

The hardest thing I'd ever do
Is say goodbye and walk slowly away from you
But I'll do it
And after all this time I shared with you
It seems unfair to leave with nothing more than blank stares
But I'll do it
If it's for the best then I wish you well
If it helps to say our life was a living hell
Well then do it
Then do it
Then do it

Don't you ever forget about me
When you toss and turn in your sleep
I hope it's because you can't stop thinking about
The reasons why you close your eyes
I haunt your dreams at night
So you can't stop thinking about me
Don't stop thinking about me

Do you really think you could see this through
Put on a smile and wear it for someone new
Don't you do it
'Cause I know I'm not the easiest one to love
But every ounce I had
I invest in you
But no one said love's not for taking chances

So don't you ever forget about me
When you toss and turn in your sleep
I hope it's because you can't stop thinking about
The reasons why you close your eyes
I haunt your dreams at night
And so you can't stop thinking about me (can't stop thinking about me)

Will you take me back in the morning
If I promise to never act this way again
Oh Oh
'Cause I'm so bad at being lonely
But I don't know how (don't know how)
I don't know how

So don't you ever forget about me
Don't you ever forget about me
Don't you ever forget about me
When you toss and turn in your sleep
I hope it's because you can't stop thinking about
The reasons why you close your eyes
I haunt your dreams at night
So you can't stop thinking about me (don't stop thinking about me)
Just close your eyes
And fall asleep tonight

You are such a liar!

Now, normally i wouldn't care about you but it just so happens, I know some shit now.
First of all, I just have to state....You plead you can do some much better then me, yet today you show that your going out with a freshmen...or maybe she is a 8th grader...Can't remember...not that I care anymore. I told you I didnt want to see you or hear you or even think about you from now on. You tried to destroy my life and make it a living hell.  You almost ruined me for the rest of my life. Unlike you, I have a future, and you will still are gonna be your same old pethetic self. Trying to get every girl you want to love you and carry your child......Glad I stopped liking you when I realized who you were.....Same old lies to every girl you "Love"........ If you truely loved me like you said you did then you wouldnt already have a girlfriend. I admitted to you that I wasn't in love with you and hadn't been for about 3 weeks on Tuesday and you kept promising that even though I didn't love you back that you'd always love me and now...haha.....now you're kissin' all over your 'new' girlfriend who is inpecably ugly and annoying.....guess that makes since when you think about it..... Keep kissing with those yellowed teeth and nasty jew fro of yours and I'll laugh when I'm better off then you and you come crawling back pleading you've been waiting for me to come around because guess what, never gonna happen! ^_^

Not knowing what to do anymore... :/

It's like I've pretty much forgot how to forget people, things, words, actions...... I want to throw you all away and let the new in but I was never good with letting go! It's like you don't want me to forget all that you put me through since the second we got into the rough patch in our relationship over a year ago. Why is t such a hobby to make me sad and ready to slit my wrists at the blink of your eye?! I just want to be happy without you and you won't let me live on because you have no one else to torture! I was the only girl that got hung up on you and you're hanging me clueless love over my head like I'm some sort of animal! Let me go!!!

Can't you see that you are the only one enjoying this pain? Telling me that your new girlfriend will break my jaw if I touch you. You can't fool everyone. The world knows that you're just a lying asshole who has no life but to look like a ignorant jerk and try and fuck every girl you see. I cried over you so many times that now that I have no more tears for your pathetic life of a lie. You only got to me by the way you treated me and guess what. You aren't the only guy that can charm a girl then leave after taking her inncence....I've been through hell and back so many times that you hanging around and trying to make me mad wont work anymore. I only talk to you so I can remember how much I hate the fact you're always around me right when you know I like someone else. You seem to dwell on the fact that I'm over and you think that you being around will keep me from moving on.....Well, guess what Gage.... Kiss my ass! <3 I loved you....But now all tha is over and your the only one that still remembers it (:

Why her?

Why her? Why not me? Is she better at holding hands then I am? Is she prettier than I? Do I not possess what she does? Sometime's I feel like you just used me in the way to make yourself happier. You decided that I wasn't what you wanted and instead of telling me you just try to make me figure it out myself? It's been 4 years since the day I saw you and fell inlove with you and now I have to drop all of my love towards you because it's keeping me from what I truely love. Besides, you never showed me the love you pleaded was there! I just want to know why her and not me! I'm gorgeous too, I can hold your hand just as tight, I can kiss you just as sweetly.
I wrote a poem for you.....But, it's about how much I miss you...Thinking about burning it.......Hoping I can get over all this love!