Pass this on as my Epilogue.

I don't really seem to care about loving or being oved. Seems like every guy I can or do get is either suicidal, or wants to hang all over me. I don't mind it, I just don't like the thought of talking to a guy for the whole day then every twenty minutes get a text that says "what you wanna talk about?".......Grinds my bones to hear those retarded words. And then you wonder why I stop texting you. If I don't talk or message back...It's because I want to relax an not have someone up my ass. It's like I'm better off alone yet I have that feeling lie I have nobody to be loved by. nobody to tell me they love me before I fall asleep. Just to wake up as I fell asleep. I just want someone to care. To worry some about me. About my future.
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I think i'm also starting to hate my own mother. My own sweet melody to my unhappy life.
I think it's melody is falling off key. And hitting all the wrong notes, just to push me away.....Just to show me it's not the same anymore... I can tell her I love her more than anything but after awhile it's like ive gotten used to using the words to make her happy that I don't even feel them anymore. Hearing her saying it to me is like a tape stuck on repeat. I know she's gonna say it but I know it's but a line that crawls out of her mouth....flipping off her tongue as she doesn't even think it say it....
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Could I possibly get to the point where love's rays of sunshine don't even get to my heart. I feel like the titanic.....Sunless ocean area....I can float in the essence of what used to be, but no matter what......That's all I'm gonna be......It hurts....</3

DAMAGE!

Get away, get away, get away from me! You'll never amount to SHIT!
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I want to throw it all away. Get the hell out of here and leave forever. Forgetting about what was and what could have been. You and your words....The feelings that vibrated between us. I'll never forget. Sad thing is, It's been over a year and I've just now gotten over the guy that took my virginity and left me to collect my shit all alone. The happiness of my life had left me completely that day. Slipped away and has never come back....
Until....but, I wont get into that, I'm only going to kill myself more inside with talking about him.
But, I can't help it. Words that were so casually thrown around circle inside my head like a bird with a broken wing. Only able to go in one direction which leads it to continue in a circle!
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I've only just realized that I cut myself because of you. It hurts but every time I suck up the pain and push it  little harder. Slicing a little slower. Savoring the pain so maybe I'll never forget the pain I'm putting myself through because of you. Can this get anymore sadistic?!
I want you to see how much i'm putting myself through but I see that you don't even give it any thought.
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Can you even show the pain you feel to know that I'm cutting over you?!
The pain that shoots through your veins when I stand there, desperate and lonely.?!
You couldn't even try and make it work! You gave up! on me! Do you think i'm so alike with other girls that
you can't even give me a try?! a chance?! To prove that I can become so much!
</3 I'm gonna give up.Don't be surprised at how little I feel towards what I say to you...Because you're making me this way.....Awful and dispiteful....This is me for you.......


~Cut off your hands, there's no escaping!~

bliss when I die...

Could this life be anymore cruel? What just so happen to be the best night of my young high school life, ended so fast and vigirously...Sometimes, I wish I could give up forever. I guess it gets harder to find someone to who actually wants a lasting relationsip the higher I get up in the grades..... High school is supposed to be fun, and like a dream as it passes by in the speed of the streaming hours of the night. I wish, not heartlessly, I could give all of the memories, words, items, love backa nd forget about all this. What I was wishing to become, only turned to blow up in my face. I may seem happy to you but the truth is, I can't stand the thought of reading our texts before the message you sent to show it wasn't going to last. Only several hours before that you said we were together.... I was happy, and now i'm crushed and brused and the happiness and friskiness between us has crashed and burned...Since that first kiss the morning you proved how beautiful you claim I am......
Don't forget...you said...."I love you".....
</3

Step back...

Step back into the past, erase what has happened. Take back the feelings, along with the love. Like a record thats been scratched, i'll keep feeling the sting, the indent. the cut. Reliving the nightmare I just got myself into.
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Things for me never last long. I always end up waking up from a great dream. Dreams never work in my favor anymore. Seems so good and true til the light shines in and ruins it all. The minds of humans always keep ourselfs for pure happiness.
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I feel like the thought of blood would help but should I give the devil that sadifaction of getting to me?
Let my depression take over my mind and win?
Scar myself over such a repeat in history?
My past is never going to let go, it feels like a leech....I can't shake it off.
The world to be going in my favor but it pulled it away as soon as I tried to grab for it....
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Who wouldn't let you scream "ohh" into a soft pillow?

Y at-il une limite à ce que le bonheur ne peut entrer en durée de vie sont-elles?
Une période de temps jusqu'à ce qu'il a à la fin?
Un moment où tout doit être parfait pour quelque chose d'aussi parfait pour se produire?
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Je T`aime <3
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Je ne veux jamais perdre Kamden. Il est tellement parfait pour moi, et je l'aime vraiment. Nous sommes tellement bien ensemble et je veux durer pendant un certain temps avec lui. Il est tellement important pour moi et il me fait rougir et que vous voulez être avec lui tout le temps. Je veux aimer de lui tout le temps. Wish I could.
C'est comme si je me sens quand im invincable avec lui. Je ne pouvais prendre sur le monde et ne jamais s'arrêter. Comme im au-dessus d'une bouche et je suis maintenant peur de sauter en bas. <3

I'm stuck home, alone, except for the barely breathing over sized Sasquatch a few rooms down.
My mother left with her friends, repeatedly asking if I was fine being home alone, as she dresses up and leaves to go to a club. I don't have a warm body against mine that could give any love to me. Kiss me and tell me the night wont be here forever. His essence leaving as the sun rises above the hills off in the distance.
We finally DTR'd and it feels great to know, that I finally have someone that I know isn't gonna lie, put me down or use me for what i was cursed with since my 8th grade year.
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 Joking has never felt like such a bonding time till I met a gaze with his.
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I always believed in love-at-first-sight and now that its finally happened to me, I feels soooo real and magical! I smile constinantly and think about how this all happened......
<3

The Sky Under The Sea

Like rope in the mud. Like blades in the blood. Like Teeth in the skin.. And Bodies in the ground.
I feel like I've never felt before. Wanted and Loves and not that feeling that lingers in the beginning of a relationship that you pray and pray and pray that it wont end and in a month it does. I don't feel it. It doesnt possess me anymore. Like it left when I left Brian alone....He always kept me from being with anyone for long. Tempting me with the thought of being loved my him, but only feel that "love" for a few hours then no call or interaction for god-who-knows-how-long! Like a weight has been taken off my back, just in time for someone to help me straighten my life up <3 It's like I've been waiting for so long and he wasnt that far behind.
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I feel like I'm gonna be that girl that gets annoying or too-close and suffocate him.
I keep my distance and let the love flow.
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When our lips touch, I feel something, deep inside me. Like wings of a butterfly...flittering up me..and when we tear apart its like i was dreaming it all and I can't wait to feel it again and again and again....Like an addiction to a drug...and he's what I'm taking. What i'm taking, what I'm getting high off of.
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I want to wait and see how this will progress. See how fate takes us. I sound like I'm getting carried away with myself but this time, this time right here and now, I want it to last and blossem, Like a spring flower in the early minutes of the morning <3 <3 <3
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If pain is beauty, then i must be GORGEOUS!

This may be the best night of my life! (: Even though I know he's gonna be reading this. I don't think he understands that just because I'm older I don't have good moments. Most the time, i'm used and abused and then left for the dead. It's been like that for awhile, I've gotten so used to the way that people treat me that now that he says something, I do deserve better <3 He sound protective but gives personal space at the same time. It's like a dream-come-true that I am still dreaming about and this time I can take control of it!
It's crazy how such simple of actions can drive me toward happiness.
Emily Dickenson once said: to find happiness you have to go through pain.
The pain of seeing the guy i was in love with for 4 years become one with a different girl, I let go and it hurt so much. But since I let go, I found happiness in someone elses eyes. <3
Crazy right, but i've been through enough shit to not find happiness now.
All the using and tears. then cutting and bleeding. hiding and dying... It was all worth this day, night, moment, year, life
<3 Maybe pain and sadness isnt as bad as it seems to be.
Love me if you feel it.
Cry for me if the tears come.
Die for me if the blade digs too dead.
Smile for me when you feel me in your body <3

I don't even know right now...

Like I have no idea about today. Other than the feeling I got when Chris chased me down the hallway and kissed me on the cheek... Normally, I'd go crazy. But today, all I did was blush. Not like i-think-im-in-love kind of blush, but a that-was-super-sweet kind of blush..... Sometime's I don't even know what to think half the time. Like my mind is racing, but I have no idea what i'm thinking about. Maybe it's time for another three hours walk to town and think about how much this life isn't gonna change just because I let go of some people and found a new guy....Not 'guy' as in dating but friend.. Like close friend <3
One that's easy to talk to and joke around with :)
But, It's easy to type than talk.... :/

Is it even physically possible?!

Could it be? Can it be true with all the time I've had to talk and think about such a wonder I'm just now getting the thoughts that this could be true? Can I actually make someone fall in love with me? My not-so-secretive-lifestyle. Where everyone knows everything and everyone in my love or non-love life? Is it actually a possibility to become that?
When it first became a possibility it was the beginning for school. pretty much anything is possible because nobody know anybody. Strangers surround you as you try and find your place. Especially as a freshmen like he, it can get pretty rough. I wish I could go back and rewind the past to take back the kiss and me ever liking you, so I wouldn't feel the pain of a thousand bullets slice through me as I continually see and and realize that I'll most likely never have anything to do with you because you're being held back with the thought of your ex girlfriend and not wanting a relationship.
Does this shit always have to happen to me?! *tear*
Now, even though I play the try-and-get-me-if-you-can game you don't seem very interested in what I have to offer. I gave up on the guy I was in love with for 4 years so I could try and move on and now that I have I get hung up on a freshmen who doesnt even want me. Wow, this feels familiar but without the "older dude" part. You're only 14 and I'm about to turn 16. You pointed that out to be a problem but I don't see my uncle having a problem with younger girls.
What, I'm trying to understand is wether you are just leading me on or want something with me, but not right now..... I wish I knew...

Stop repeating!

Like a song stuck on repeat! Ugh! Just shut your mouth about what had happened and what would have been already! I get so tired of your "it was your idea" or "you said this" and "you said that" bullshit....
Lets get all the facts right...right now I loved you, yes, but now that all this is over with, I do not love you anymore. We fell in love. You lied a few times and I didn't open up. I was scared to get too close because of the last time I did, I got hurt so bad and I hated it because I couldn't let go for months. The first time we were together alone we did the unexpected. I got tested once and it came out + and i was freaking out. I'm only 15... about to turn 16 and a big future infront of me. I didnt need that to crowd my mind of responsibility! As the only 'turn' I parted my way and you wouldn't let go. Making it harder for me to breathe.... And now you still are a raging man whore who lies about everything and sleeps with girls to try and make them stay with you... The END!

Can we create something beautiful and distroy it?

I feel like you keep getting farther and farther away. Like a lost balloon whose tiny baby like hands slipped from. Floating higher and higher from my grip. I really like you. I think I can make you change your mind. I think I can change your view on me. Your wants in life and needs and perspective..... "Who said loves not for taking chances?" I don't have much to say on this part of my life, for I cannot change this cramped corner I've shoved myself in. It's so hard to get out. To say "I'm done" or "Good luck"......Just stand up and leave.
But life doesn't work like that. Can't just leave those who are so much like you. After awhile I'll get over the pain and things will be like they were before this unneeded and undesired want for you. Maybe, It wont leave and I'll go about my days wondering why I never tried harder to get you. Or try and show you that I can be so much better. <3

I don't know what it is.......

I just don't know why I like you....I dropped everyone and now that I have you near its like I have to have you know. Ever since you kissed me the other day and it felt like there was something there... I keeps bugging me since that day at lunch... Standing in the hall as the bell rang and you went down and I stretched up and your lips met. You said you expected a peck on the lips and I was expecting the same but as our lips met it was like something exploded inside of us and we began to kiss more and I felt it. Please don't lie and say you didn't feel it to. I just wish you would be with me. There is real potential there and I'm not like other girls. I don't screw guys over, cheat or love when I don't believe I feel it. I don't lead people on or break hearts.....That's probably whats wrong with me, One thing comes up and I'm the one to get hurt. Crying when it ends and wishing it hadn't ended for months. Grieving in my love sick heart, lonely and depressed. You're just so perfect for me. Random just like me, long hair just like i love, tall just like i love it, funny and never get boring Ora that vibes onto me every second your around me. I just don't know how to tell you that because the world isn't always going to go my way and I hate that sometimes because some day, soon if we got the chance to be together, we would fall madly for each other and last for awhile. I want something special for once. Not being used for the body I've been cursed with as the non existent god has punished me. You're just so perfect for me and i cant get over it but you have to be strung up on your ex girlfriend......If she was that special then you shouldn't have let her go. I want you but I guess i don't deserve your existence in my arms, life, world.....Can this week get any worse.......Nothing matters when your in a relationship, all the worries of the world can disappear as long as you know you're safe with one another......I wish I had a chance....
~Kristy <3 Phillips

The hardest thing I'd ever do
Is say goodbye and walk slowly away from you
But I'll do it
And after all this time I shared with you
It seems unfair to leave with nothing more than blank stares
But I'll do it
If it's for the best then I wish you well
If it helps to say our life was a living hell
Well then do it
Then do it
Then do it

Don't you ever forget about me
When you toss and turn in your sleep
I hope it's because you can't stop thinking about
The reasons why you close your eyes
I haunt your dreams at night
So you can't stop thinking about me
Don't stop thinking about me

Do you really think you could see this through
Put on a smile and wear it for someone new
Don't you do it
'Cause I know I'm not the easiest one to love
But every ounce I had
I invest in you
But no one said love's not for taking chances

So don't you ever forget about me
When you toss and turn in your sleep
I hope it's because you can't stop thinking about
The reasons why you close your eyes
I haunt your dreams at night
And so you can't stop thinking about me (can't stop thinking about me)

Will you take me back in the morning
If I promise to never act this way again
Oh Oh
'Cause I'm so bad at being lonely
But I don't know how (don't know how)
I don't know how

So don't you ever forget about me
Don't you ever forget about me
Don't you ever forget about me
When you toss and turn in your sleep
I hope it's because you can't stop thinking about
The reasons why you close your eyes
I haunt your dreams at night
So you can't stop thinking about me (don't stop thinking about me)
Just close your eyes
And fall asleep tonight

You are such a liar!

Now, normally i wouldn't care about you but it just so happens, I know some shit now.
First of all, I just have to state....You plead you can do some much better then me, yet today you show that your going out with a freshmen...or maybe she is a 8th grader...Can't remember...not that I care anymore. I told you I didnt want to see you or hear you or even think about you from now on. You tried to destroy my life and make it a living hell.  You almost ruined me for the rest of my life. Unlike you, I have a future, and you will still are gonna be your same old pethetic self. Trying to get every girl you want to love you and carry your child......Glad I stopped liking you when I realized who you were.....Same old lies to every girl you "Love"........ If you truely loved me like you said you did then you wouldnt already have a girlfriend. I admitted to you that I wasn't in love with you and hadn't been for about 3 weeks on Tuesday and you kept promising that even though I didn't love you back that you'd always love me and now...haha.....now you're kissin' all over your 'new' girlfriend who is inpecably ugly and annoying.....guess that makes since when you think about it..... Keep kissing with those yellowed teeth and nasty jew fro of yours and I'll laugh when I'm better off then you and you come crawling back pleading you've been waiting for me to come around because guess what, never gonna happen! ^_^

Not knowing what to do anymore... :/

It's like I've pretty much forgot how to forget people, things, words, actions...... I want to throw you all away and let the new in but I was never good with letting go! It's like you don't want me to forget all that you put me through since the second we got into the rough patch in our relationship over a year ago. Why is t such a hobby to make me sad and ready to slit my wrists at the blink of your eye?! I just want to be happy without you and you won't let me live on because you have no one else to torture! I was the only girl that got hung up on you and you're hanging me clueless love over my head like I'm some sort of animal! Let me go!!!

Can't you see that you are the only one enjoying this pain? Telling me that your new girlfriend will break my jaw if I touch you. You can't fool everyone. The world knows that you're just a lying asshole who has no life but to look like a ignorant jerk and try and fuck every girl you see. I cried over you so many times that now that I have no more tears for your pathetic life of a lie. You only got to me by the way you treated me and guess what. You aren't the only guy that can charm a girl then leave after taking her inncence....I've been through hell and back so many times that you hanging around and trying to make me mad wont work anymore. I only talk to you so I can remember how much I hate the fact you're always around me right when you know I like someone else. You seem to dwell on the fact that I'm over and you think that you being around will keep me from moving on.....Well, guess what Gage.... Kiss my ass! <3 I loved you....But now all tha is over and your the only one that still remembers it (:

Why her?

Why her? Why not me? Is she better at holding hands then I am? Is she prettier than I? Do I not possess what she does? Sometime's I feel like you just used me in the way to make yourself happier. You decided that I wasn't what you wanted and instead of telling me you just try to make me figure it out myself? It's been 4 years since the day I saw you and fell inlove with you and now I have to drop all of my love towards you because it's keeping me from what I truely love. Besides, you never showed me the love you pleaded was there! I just want to know why her and not me! I'm gorgeous too, I can hold your hand just as tight, I can kiss you just as sweetly.
I wrote a poem for you.....But, it's about how much I miss you...Thinking about burning it.......Hoping I can get over all this love!