Happiness is happiness...

I shouldn't be trying to stop them. To be his other choice. To show him that I could give him so much more, even though I can. He'll have to find this out on his own. I can't be prying love, happiness, or even soul mates apart. No matter how much I like him. No matter if its even love. I've been there, done that. I've loved once and now he's around to mock me. To show that he barely cares. Along with the other one. What's another 10 pounds, so to say....? Its nothing more than I burden that I'm carrying around to show how much shit I've been through. The world isn't my kingdom, nor my Paradise. Its more of a jail cell. That serves cold food and bitter sadness. Not like being with a guy that treats me like his everything when another woman is happy to be with him. But the real problem is, what if I give up now and we were ment to be? Do I just keep this going with a guy I'm starting to fall for or give up on what may be ment to be???? If there really is a God can you make me make the best and non-painful decision?! I don't wanna cry myself to sleep anymore but I don't want to be the reason another human being does. I know I hurt myself to keep other safe but my heart has been through too much. And if this goes horribly wrong, I don't know how much I can take.....maybe this is the end....maybe I'm at the dead end of my life. To where I've lost everything worth living for....so many "what if"s......give me the right choice and I promise to believe in you.....until then, you'll be another thing I don't believe is in the cold hearted world. </3

Is it wrong? X.x

Is it wrong that I don't want to love? To be in a relationship? To care about anything but myself for once? To be happy? To be able to laugh...truely laugh? Maybe I just want to live. Not be held back or tied to just one person! C: I feel so free and happy and careless?! :3 I wanna love myself for once!!!

Like a tear in the rain.

I got you and I was happy. Till a few days later when i realized I didn't care.... I didn't want a partner. A lover of one kind. Someone to have sex with but without any feelings....Somethings changed, become different. My mind is different now. I don't want a man. I don't wanna be stuck to one body that I may not even care about the next night. He got to me and I know why....thank you <3

Somebody, Anyone...Kiss it all better?!

I cry "stay with me till i fall asleep. Stay with meeee! Stay with me till i fall asleep! TILL I FALL ASLEEP!!!"


Just now realizing that I have been used by so many guys that claim to be so into me for how gorgeous and smart and sweet I am........I feel like I should block every guy off but the ones I would kill to be with dont want me.....
"Do you hear that love? their playing our song!"

I want to take back all of my past and cut out all the heart break and tears I've cried over the boys that have fucked me over. I can't believe I let them get to me and make me so happy for such a short time and be so romantic in the simple act of trying to sleep with me...... I can't believe I gave in so easy! What the hell is wrong with me.?! I feel like there is a stitch in me for every guy that fucked me over....

I've went back to the same guy.....Because of my unwillingly love for him tells me it'll all be different. But everytime it's the same! He sweet talks me till he gets what he wants. Slipping the word "love" at the end of everything, seeing if it enhances his chances...and I fall for it every time! I've been in love with you since 7th grade and I'm a sophmore now in highschool and the word love still kills me when I hear it and say it back to you... >.< I want to give up and tell you to shut the fuck up. To stop lieing to me and be with me. You said you wanted to give me "stability" like no one else has succeeded at...But you have a girlfriend and she's all over you...and the one guy I really liked and wanted to stay with for awhile left because of a deep love burning at his heart for another girl....
I wanna cut so hard that the blood doesnt stop coming but the blade isnt enough of a rush for me. The destraction only lasts a few minutes then its back to being alone...... Take a blade to my throat?! I promise I wont tell you to stop!

I can hear yelling from the room farthest from me...Surprised nothing is being thrown....Scared yet calm at the same time I try and drown out the sound with the joyous music I shape my mind around..... It's werid, like nothing before. Nine years and it hasn't seemed this bad. A few weeks ago, acusations were made from one that was so far away. Scared she wasnt being faithful, not entirely over dramatic, but not entirely thought through. After nine and a half years have gone by and no problems have surfaced except the one about alcoholism. But that's nothing too big. We've been battling this for a few years now...Telling you how much it rips us apart and how much we hate seeing you sleep face first in a puddle of your own vomit...Nothing too big as to what it could be. As a child among two others. Idea's of abuse could form in a childs head. Hitting was involved but not in a dont-care-it-is-for-fun kind of way. more like a...."punishment".....someone does something bad and as a result you tell them no and give them a little tap and send them on their way. Growing up I realized that's all it was....Just a tap to show right from wrong....But as I was growing up I realized just like mama that your problem with beverages that mess up your brain along with your liver can cause more than just a one night of awkwardness and horrible memories..... I just hope one night you realize what its done to you and us and you'll never get these times back.......</3

Worst mistake you'll ever make!

I think sometimes that I hold on too tight and never want to  let go because people who don't mean alot capture the most of me. I was an ass to you and your pushing away. Then I try and not talk to you or agknowledge your being and you think im mad at you... You showed me how stupid I am about you. How I shouldn't be hung up on a freshmen that doesn't care about me or want me. It's obvious I was just too lonely to acknowledge that you aren't what I'm looking for. You say you can't do a relationship but what you're really saying is that you don't want one with me. As much as I wanted us to work you tried not to hurt me with the harsh truth.... Well, it's settled in and I promise the mistake of you wanting me will never fall into place and you can coninue with whatever you have going on. As much as I wanted that something to be me, I can live without you. I lived before I met you and i can live again without you.

Cut off your hands!

"You think I've had enough?"

Haha, you're terribly wrong (:  There isn't anything in this world that can make me quit something that I love so much...Even if it means that you can't be happy. I told you the truth about how I actually did feel. And you were pleading that you cared and loved and couldn't live without me! If you can't live without me. then WHY AREN'T YOU DEAD YET?! I'd like to see you try and be with me again.....The future holds nothing of us. No sign of us being "in love".....There's no way that we will ever be.

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Then, comes along sweet and "newly remade" Jeffrey Hubbard.  ha! I sailed that ship once before and you broke my heart and didnt even stumble over it. Never looked back one time to see if I was fine with all the damage I was thrown against! I took another trip with that boy, and as I thought, you never changed.... I don't care what you say, every guy has tried that card on me....."Oh,that was forever ago. I've changed, I promise".... We went on a date and as I suspected....You tried, just like all the rest, yet failed to get into my pants.... As I pushed away I knew it was a good choice. For once I knew I was doing the right thing. I thought about my mom, my step father's trust and all the shit I have been through with guys and how much I let them use me then throw me away...And this time I chose not to let it happen. I chose to say no, and not let you get to me because I wanted to make you happy.......I'm more independent now than i have ever been <3 Thank you Womanhood!!