I am....

I am a lover
I am a truster
I am a over estimater
I am a thinker
I am a Herper
I am a collector
I am a saver
I am a carer
I am a singer
I am a doer
I am a speaker
I am Kristy

Just because my words don't match my appearance, don't doubt
I don't have all the money in the world, but I have sometime
I have a heart to love with and a mind to use
don't ever say I could never be something special
I'm your minds, I'm the worlds largest volcano
I can break down and explode at any moment.
Times get hard, everyone knows
But somethings are left unsaid..

I am a herper
I care for things that leap and run
Things that eat insects and baby mice
They slither or crawl
Doesn't matter how many toes they have
Or if they even have legs....
I think like one.
The world will never know the possiblities of what being a herper can do....

In a world like this
It doesn't matter if your nice
Most people will walk all over you
But a very few will knell down and help you.
When they do, its in your hands to pass on that care..
Karma only comes to those who need it.
She doesn't just sit around for any person to trip..
It only happens to the best of us.
When we finally reach our full potential and reachour destiny in life....
We, as human beings, will realize what life actually means...

I am Kristy Phillips...
And I am a herper... <3

I really can't explain....

I don't really know how to describe the feeling.... I feel so lonely. I have no friends, I messed up a great relationship with someone who could have possibly been perfect for me. All this is really getting to my head. I don't know what exactly what to day to show everyone how I feel about this last month or so...It seems like everyone can fufil a love life or even relationship that has some happiness in it but all I seemed to know what to do is mess up. To get life to wipe my life with its ass. I hate it. I was happy, I was satisfided with life for once and now, like always...it didn't last but a good few months. I'm 16 and have depression to where i literally scare people off. I can't seem to keep anyone. One way or another I'm left alone.
This may sound like a cry for attention, but really it isn't.
I wish i didnt have the thought of being sent away with the just slightest brush of a blade. If someone found out that i would have then i'd be gone. Straight jacket most likely and a paded room to let me wither away in. I sound dramatic...
I just can't help myself to not think of the happiness i used to get out of it. It used to make me feel so balanced out. So, complete...
Now, I'm stuck in this house of memories that haunt me day and night and the pictures of you to show me what i yet again messed up on. To show me what i did and could still have. But no.....I cry and cry and cry and yet life doesn't seem to grant "breaks" to those who are weak. Only the strong succeed right? I guess so.
i don't want to keep this going because I've already made myself sound like a complete lunatic...
Please forgive me.

Love is bone deep....

William Lee Holt. I am so sorry. I love you. Five months and this is how i repay you?! I fucked up! I'm SO sorry. I don't want this anymore. I hate knowing that I screwed up your life and shredded your heart. And knowing that you hate my guts only makes it burn worse. This burning in my heart, please make it go away. I don't want to live like this anymore. I don't want to feel the feeling of despare and hate..In my heart, I felt like it was right to end it..But on the outside I feel now that i would die for anything but this. I would slit my own throat if it ment I could live without the memory of your beautiful face cluttering my mind. It's not that I don't want to keep the memories, I just don't want to feel the uncontrolable sadness that ends me crying myself to sleep every night, I sleep in peace till your presence wakes me up and I cry again. I just don't want you in my head. I love you so much that it hurts and if i hadnt of messed it up we would still be happy! In love with each other and not the both of us hating my guts....I have the urge to just see the blood, but it wont help anything except help my mother make the choice to put me in a mental institute. Locked away in a boxed room, cut short finger nails, chopped hair, straight jacket and only one visitor that only cared about me....Joanna.
I don't know what to do right now. I've tried giving up on life, moving on, talking to you, crying my heart out and now ive resorted to blogging. Does this get any worse? Only thing I think about is your face and name. How you always called me by my first name with your last name trailing alone. How we would mess around and talk about getting married soon. Calling before and after I went to school and before you went to work. Webcaming just because we had that extra minute before bed, work, or chores. I love you!
I miss your face, smile, eyes, voice, words, the way you'd remind me how much you loved me...
Most of all, I miss you singing to me <3 I love you with all my heart William Lee Holt...
Please take me back...